Chemo #8 - DONE

I can't believe it has been almost two weeks since I made my last entry. When the date of my last chemo was moved up that moved up everything else that I felt I needed to have done before hand which made last week kind of crazy. I had promised a friend I would help with a DVD for her parents 50th wedding anniversary. That was the big thing that I wanted done before my last chemo. The kids also started swimming lessons last week. It was fun to watch them. Tyler is in level 5 which is the last level for basic swimming lessons. He is doing great. Mariah is in level 2 and is one of the best in her class. She can swim all the way across the deep end. I took a lot of pictures but I used my film camera instead of my digital because it works better indoors and I have a good telephoto lense so I can get closer shots.

The date for my last chemotherapy treatment came fast. I was looking forward to it because after treatment #8 I will hopefully NEVER have to do that again. Because of the date change my appointment was scheduled for the afternoon instead of the morning. That worked out okay because I had an appointment with another plastic surgeon that same morning. That appointment went well. I liked the doctor and I felt that he was honest and straight forward in providing me with more information that I need to try to decide what to do when I have surgery next month. What is so frustrating is that every doctor I talk to has a different opinion on how and when to do reconstruction. I have the job of trying to gather all the information then decide what is right for me and trust that everything will work out of the best.

I went to my appointment for chemo being both nervous and excited. Nervous because I hate chemo and excited because I would soon be done. My red blood cells were normal. My white blood cells were a little anemic but still getting better. I wanted to thank both Dr. Gray and the nurses for helping to make this as easy as possible for me. I put together a small bag of lotions for the nurses along with one of the pins that Mariah has made to thank everyone who has helped us. I didn't think Dr. Gray would want lotion so I gave him chips and salsa which he shared with the whole office. I was happy to see Trish who is the physicians assistant who usually took my vitals. She wasn't there the day of chemo #7. It was nice to say good-bye for now or at least until my next check-up with Dr. Gray in August. Lisa was my nurse for this treatment. She had asked where we lived and when I said Roy she mentioned how much she loved taking care of a cute little boy in our neighborhood. It turns out that Lisa was one of the nurses that helped take care of Riker, our friends baby, when they lived in our ward. I think I might have met her at their house. She looked familiar to me when I first saw her in the office. I was a little disappointed not to see Glenda. She has been my nurse for 5 of the 8 chemo treatments. I ended up leaving the gift bags with Trish and Lisa to give to the other nurses.

I was the last chemo patient of the day. When I went back to the chemo room Lisa was monitoring 3 other patients. After she started my meds things calmed down a lot. Soon there were only 2 of us left. David went with me to both appointments that day. Once the medicines started to kick in I layed back and listed to my music on my MP3 player. Time passed quickly.

When we got home there was a wonderful roast with all the trimmings for dinner. I can't thank everyone enough for all the meals. I don't enjoy cooking and I struggle to get myself to make nutritious meals when I feel good let alone when I don't. Since I have done so much better than I ever would have expected we probably would have been fine without so many meals but I know that having those meals not only fed us for a few days but also helped keep me strong because I ate better than I would have it I had been trying to cook on my own. I know that there are people that I have forgotten to thank personally, please forgive me. At first I tried to send thank you cards but I am just not a card writing person. Then we got the idea of giving out the pins. That not only gave Mariah a way to help but it gave me a way of saying thank you. I know there are people that I have missed. Please forgive me chemo fogged brain and know that I do remember your service, especially late at night when I am trying to get to sleep. I just don't remember the next morning when I am trying to remember what I need to do that day.

Some days I feel almost guilty that my chemotherapy treatments have gone so smoothly. It hasn't been easy and I definitely don't want to do it again but I wonder why I got off so easily when others suffer so much more. I didn't even loose all of my eyebrows or eyelashes. It is almost as if I am just in a bad dream. The fact that I have cancer still doesn't seem real to me. I feel too normal to have cancer. Yes, the side effects are uncomfortable but they go away relatively fast and everything returns to normal, at least until the next treatment. When I look in the mirror I still look the same minus my hair. I have a hard time believing that anything has changed. The hair on my head is growing back. It is now a fine, soft downy feeling. Up until now it hasn't been hard to remain positive since things have gone so smoothly. When am I going to wake up from this dream and realize that I really do have cancer?

The next step in my treatment is surgery. Although we don't have a date yet it is most likely less than 3 weeks away. This will possibly be the most painful part of my treatment. That scares me. I don't like pain and I tend to do anything to avoid it. Being comfortable has been one of my primary concerns through my treatment. It is easy to grit my teeth and make it through the shots and blood draws. They are over quickly. I don't remember the last time I was in real pain for more than a few minutes at a time. I know that I won't feel anything during the surgery but the pain of the recovery scares me. The consequences of not having any lymph nodes in my left arm also scares me. I don't want to have my arm or fingers swollen all the time because the fluid can't drain out of my arm. I want to be able to wear my wedding ring without having to have it resized. I don't think that my cancer will truly seem real until after my surgery when my mind won't be able to deny the permanent physical changes anymore. How will I handle that? THAT scares me. I am a very left brained, logical person. It is easy to logically look at the facts and tackle each one step at a time but then emotions come into play. Emotions are the variable that I can't predict and that scares me. Logically I know what is going to happen the day of surgery. Emotionally? I am clueless as to what my emotional reaction is going to be. That scares me. Basically right now I am just scared!