Life Continues

I have to apologize for not writing for awhile. It is hard to get myself to sit down at the computer to write when I can't think of anything new to say. I don't want to sound like a broken record complaining about side effects. Last night I was relaxing in the tub, trying to think of what to write about and I had a lot of good ideas come into my head. Unfortunately I didn't have anything handy to write on and it was after 10:30 so everyone else was asleep. I am hoping that I can remember at least most of what I was thinking about. If I do this could be a long entry.


First thing I need to mention was an update on how I am doing. My side effects this time were basically the same as for chemo #5 since it was the same chemo drug. Thursday was chemo. My mother-in-law, Ruth, took me. It was a little easier than #5 because I knew to close my eyes before the benedryl hit so that I wouldn't get dizzy and to just rest instead of fighting it. In some ways the administering of the taxotere is harder than the red devil because for the red devil I basically felt physically the same during and after treatment as I did before. I was nervous and nauseous from the anxiety but I could still sit up and talk with the people around me. With taxotere the time in the chemo room drags on because all I can do is lay there with my eyes closed. I tried but I couldn't even go to sleep. Boy will I be glad when my last two doses are over.

After chemo I was antsy so we went out to lunch then came home and made a necklace and bracelet for Ruth to match her outfit. I think I ended up resting later in the afternoon but to be honest with you I don't remember for sure. I didn't end up sleeping all day on Friday which was unusual for me. I slept in then had several hours awake before I needed a nap, awake in the evening then back to bed at night. Saturday was a good day. I'll write more about that later. My mouth started to get sore again Saturday afternoon and by Sunday it was swollen and hurting. The nurse said that the thick coating on my mouth and tongue is called "mucus mouth." That started to ease up on Wednesday then the mucus left my throat sore and my voice raw. Dave and I met my Radiation Oncologist yesterday. I could barely talk because my voice was so raw. I feel like I am constantly clearing my throat to get the mucus out. Dr. Harris suggested gargling with soda pop. Apparently this has worked for some of his other patients. I'll write more about that appointment in a minute. My new side effect is that the muscle under my left keeps twitching. That started sometime this week. It is similar to when your eye twitches if you are really tired but this is the muscle under the eye. It isn't constant but it happens off and on throughout the day. It is annoying but nothing to worry about.


Overall I think I am still doing extremely well. I still get comments from people that I look amazing. Sometimes I wonder if the thought crosses their minds that maybe I don't actually have cancer but that I might have just shaved my head and faking it to get attention. I know that anyone who really knows me isn't thinking this but I have heard of a lady a few years ago who actually did that. She had her kids school and sports groups doing fundraisers to raise money for her "treatments." She was caught and went to prison for fraud. For anyone who doesn't actually see me at home it may be easy to wonder why I don't look much different than I did before except that I don't have hair. I have even been lucky enough to still have my eye brows and eyelashes. David and the kids are really the only ones who see me struggling everyday. The evenings are still the worst. I am so grateful for my huge tub in my bathroom. When I feel like the chemical feel is getting too much I can go in there and the warm water relaxes me and takes away some of the discomfort. I can try to explain how my hot head, my sore mouth, or just not feeling "right" feels but other than my hair being gone and my mouth being white inside there really isn't any physical changes to "see." Most of the side effects are internal so no one can truly understand how the different side effect feel unless they have experienced them themselves. I guess that is why support groups and talking with other cancer patients helps because it helps to reinforce that this is really happening, that you aren't just imaging or making up the symptoms. When someone else describes how you are feeling it is such a relief to know that they truly understand how it feels. On a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being that you have no side effects and a 10 being dead I would say my side effects from my chemo treatments has been about a 3 or 4. From talking with other cancer patients this is not normal. Most patients are somewhere between a 6 to 8. I met a friend whose aunt is going through treatments right now and is a 9. She has been hospitalized and had to have blood transfusions. One friend had to stop chemo because she was just too sick from it. One couldn't get out of bed throughout almost her entire chemo treatments. Others I have heard about have had allergic reactions to the drugs as they are being administered or have had to have extra treatments because they got sick with something else during their chemo schedule. If nothing else most patients have to keep adding new drugs to help with the side effects or the anemia or low red or white blood cell counts. This is one time that I am very glad that I am NOT NORMAL. I know that my older brother, Jesus, is watching out for me from above. How else could I explain how smoothly everything has gone for me. I hope I am not starting to sound preachy but I am so grateful for everything from finding the right doctors, to finding out about the gene test (I am surprised at how many cancer patients don't know about it), to finding a support group for women my own age, to how well my body is dealing with chemotherapy. I know that I have been guided to my doctors for a reason. I can't imagine having a better oncologist than Dr. Gray which is good because he will be my doctor for at least the next 5 to 10 years. I met a young cancer patient recently who had a general surgeon do her lumpectomy. He didn't get all of the cancer during her first surgery so she had to have surgery a second time and may still have to have a mastectomy later. I can't help but thinking that if she had found a surgeon like Dr. Rosenthal who only operates on breast cancer patients maybe she wouldn't have had to go through that. And most importantly hearing about the Young Cancer Sisters support group who put me in touch with Dr. Massey who can do a reconstruction that no other doctor in Utah can. I have heard horror stories and seen first hand with one of my friends how bad the tram flap surgery where they use muscle for reconstruction, can be. I would never even consider having that surgery but without Dr. Massey I wouldn't have known I had another option. All of these things are life changing miracles to me. Without these miracles my life after cancer would be very different.


Well enough of that deep serious stuff, on to more everyday things. I mentioned how Saturday was a good day for me. It was good because not only was I feeling good but I was able to go to the wedding and receptions for 3 members of our ward. I hope they don't mind me writing about them but it was such a good day for me. When I found out about the first wedding I was so excited because the daughter of one of my dearest friends in our ward was engaged to a return missionary from our ward. It isn't very often that you go to a wedding where you know both the bride and the groom. With my original chemo schedule the wedding would have been on an off week so I would have been able to plan on going. I was very disappointed when my schedule changed because I didn't think I would be up to going just two days after chemo. I don't know if it was mind over matter but I felt fine Saturday morning. The day was beautiful, the ceremony in the Logan temple was beautiful, and the bride was beautiful. Brett is so lucky. I can only describe Mia as one of the most special, wise beyond her years, beautiful inside and out, and genuinely wonderful people that I know. I have loved watching her grow up over the years. Mia is equally lucky. I don't even think I knew Brett's name before he left on his mission because he was so quiet but when he return it was almost as if he glowed with the spirit. I remember the first time he spoke in church after his return, thinking how much he had grown and changed on his mission. It was like he was this spiritual giant emerging from a shell. They are both definitely Saturday's Warriors that were saved for The Last Days. Together I am sure they will serve the Lord in many, many ways for years to come.



Back to the wedding. The luncheon was great. My mouth was just starting to get sore again but the food still tasted wonderful. Afterwards David brought me home and I slept while he went to conduct our ward baptism. The reception that night was fun. The colors and decorations really reflected Mia's personality, bright, fun, and full of life. Their reception was earlier than most. They planned it that way so that all the guests could make it to the reception for Chris, another member of our ward. David was his young mens president years ago so he knows him better than I do. His reception was held in Centerville and was equally as colorful. Both wedding cakes were not the "traditional" white cake but were fun and colorful like the personalities of the individual couples. We carpooled to the second reception with Bishop Beckett, Kerri, and their daughters. That was fun. We also saw several people that we haven't seen for awhile. I really enjoyed seeing them and catching up. I am so glad that I felt well enough to enjoy the day.



Yesterday was my first appointment with my Radiologist Oncologist, Dr Harris. I am very relieved that I don't have to drive to Salt Lake to the Huntsman Cancer Center to do my radiology treatments. My treatments will be at Ogden Regional Hospital's Cancer Center. Dr. Gray said that I would receive the exact same treatments and level of care there as I would if I drove to Huntsman but without the extra expense and time. The treatments will probably start around the beginning of August depending on how fast I heal from my surgery. They are everyday for 6 weeks. Each treatment should take about 15 minutes. The good news is that I can drive myself to treatments. The side effects are mostly mild like a sunburn with dry, itchy, or flaky skin. Nothing compared to chemo.



Wednesday I took Shawn to school for his science class. He took his shark to show everyone so I went in with him to help him carry everything. His teacher didn't look very closely at me and ended up mistaking me for one of his students. He was about to give me a hard time about wearing a scarf in the school when he noticed his mistake. I just laughed it off and thanked him for his mistake. It isn't often that someone my age is mistaken for a high school student. My 20 year class reunion is this summer. Mistakes like that are nice. Later that day there were two older ladies at my chiropractors office who thought Shawn was my husband instead of my son. I don't know if he liked that mistake as much as I liked the first one.

I have been reading a book series by a graduate of BYU, Stephanie Meyer. The first book is called Twilight, the second is New Moon, and the third is call Eclipse. It is about a high school girl who falls in love with a vampire. The books are really quite good and clean so they are safe to let your teenagers read. They are hard to put down. Each book is a little over 600 pages. I read the first two last week. I started the third one yesterday after Shawn's teacher dropped it off. It will take me longer to read because I have to share it with Shawn. He reads faster than me so he should have it finished by tonight or tomorrow. Anyway, the reason I mention this is that the book actually helped me and Tyler finish his homework earlier this week. He had to find a word for each letter of the alphabet that had something to do with one of the five states they were studying. Most of the letters aren't too hard but the letters like "Q, U, V, and X" are very hard for kids to come up with. Tyler and I were searching the Internet for information about the states and anything that started with those letters. We found U and V then I remembered that the Indian tribe in the books is called "Quileutes" and they are from La Push, Washington. I never would have thought of that if I hadn't been reading the books. When you graduate from high school or college you think you are finally done with homework, WRONG. Once you have kids your homework grows exponentially by the number of kids. You either have to help teach them what they didn't understand at school, constantly remind them that their homework exists and that they actually have to TURN IT IN to the teacher once it is done to get credit for it, or you have to nag them not to procrastinate until the night before it is due to get it done on time. I think the most frustrating part about homework and being a parent is helping them learn how to do the homework without actually doing it for them. I definitely wasn't cut out to be a teacher. I don't have the patience for one child at a time let alone 20 to 30 kids at once. I truly admire teachers and am grateful for all they do for my kids. So to the teachers reading this, especially the ones at Midland who currently have Mariah or Tyler and for all three of my children's past teachers, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. They wouldn't be as smart as they are, love reading so much, and love learning so much without YOU. Thank you also for helping them and loving them extra over the last five months of my illness. I will never be able to thank you enough.

Now I would like to throw out a question to everyone reading this that knows me. Your answers will be kept confidential and NOT published on my blog so I want you to be honest with me. Since I found out about my cancer I have been trying especially hard to stay positive and optimistic. I was thinking last night and I got to wondering if this is a change for me or if I was like that before. It is hard to look at yourself from an unbiased point of view. I would like to think that I was an optimist before because for as long as I can remember I have tried to look at the good in the people around me, to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and not to let what others say or do upset me. I know that is always easier with people you don't have a close relationship with. We are always hardest on those closest to us. I also have tried to help and serve the people around me whether it is at church, school, or in my community. I hope my children are learning how to serve daily from both David's and my example. Despite this I wonder was I an "Eeyore" like from Winnie the Pooh who is always whining and complaining about everything. Someone that you don't want to be around because they leave you feeling sad or down afterwards. Having David gone so much working, helping friends and family, or serving in his various church callings has been very hard on our family and I know that there have been times when I have complained about this. It is hard to not be jealous when what little free time David has is taken away from us because someone else needs him more. I knew when I married him that his life revolves around serving others and I wouldn't change that for a minute. I would like to think that I have gotten better over the years that I don't complain very often anymore but I really don't know if I have or not. Was I an Eeyore before or was I someone that people wanted to be around even when they don't have to. I would just like your feedback on what your impressions of me were before. I am not looking for praise or anything I just honestly would like to know if you have noticed a change in me over the last 5 months. I know I will come out of this stronger and changed but I also need to know if after all the stress and spotlight of my cancer treatments are over if I still need to try harder to stay positive instead of going back to whatever I was before. I look forward to hearing from some of you.

One last thought. Many people have asked what they can do to help. The meals have been a life saver and all the other little things that people have done are greatly appreciated. I think that the think that I need the most right now is a distraction from cancer. I was a very active person before, constantly working on something for school, church or family. Having to slow down and stay at home is hard for me. I still need to stay away from anyone who might be sick but I am doing so well with treatments that I need to be active to feel good. I basically have 5 weeks until my surgery and then I will be forced to stay down for a while to heal. Until then I want to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING. If you want to help me then plan something to do and invite me a long. A couple of weekends ago we got together with some friends and played games. It felt so good to feel normal and forget my cancer and have fun. My brain isn't much good right now so don't expect me to think of something to do. We don't even have to do anything. Just come over and hang out. Just don't look at my bathrooms. They haven't been cleaned in five months.