Bald is Beautiful

A few weeks ago I did something fun with my cousin Jen. She is a great photographer and she offered to take some pictures of me so that I would have nice memories of my bald head once my hair grows back. We got together and spent two hours having fun. Her cute 5 year old daughter, Rylee caller herself my "smile maker." We experimented, laughed, talked, joked, and had fun. She took pictures of me bald, with hats, with scarves, casual, serious, crazy, normal, up close, and even some very close. She ended up taking around 250 pictures. Some didn't turn out as planned but most looked great. Here are a few of my favorites. You can see all of the pictures at http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0AasnLVi5aMWTqI&emid=sharview&linkid=link5

Thank you Jen for the wonderful pictures and for helping me to look and feel beautiful.

In talking with other cancer patients and survivors I have often felt sad about how they view their own self image. Many are so embarrassed about the way they look without hair that they will not let anyone see them without their wig, hat, or scarf. Some refuse to have their picture taken while they fight cancer or they destroy the pictures that were taken of them. I think it is a bad reflection of our society that women who are fighting this horrible disease are also made to feel that they have to hide the loss of their hair. That they HAVE TO wear a wig, false eyelashes, false eyebrows, etc to present an image of normalcy even sacrificing comfort or feeling physically worse because of it. True, to some feeling "normal" helps them. I just feel that it is sad that in our society women are so self conscious about their appearance that we have the added burden of trying to hide our illness.

I don't think I am expressing this very well. I hope I don't sound like a hypocrite I am not trying to judge others for how they feel or how they deal with being bald. I just think everyone should be able to feel comfortable with how they look even if it means going out bald. Guys do it all the time, why shouldn't we be able to if we want to. Unfortunately our society has a different standard for men and women (take the makeup thing). I guess I am just grateful that I don't have to worry about looking "beautiful" to my husband all the time. I know that he still thinks I am beautiful and loves me the same as he did before I lost my hair. My husband's and children's opinions are the only ones that truly matter to me. I think it is that knowledge that gives me the freedom to not be so worried about my looks. I do still wear a hat or scarf when I am running around which is partly because of not wanting to make others around me uncomfortable (that's society again) and partly because the scarves are colorful and pretty. Once I get in the car or get home I usually take whatever I am wearing on my head off. At first I tried wearing something all the time but as I have mentioned before, having something on my head for too long just makes me feel physically worse. That seems to be getting better with the new type of chemo. Finally I came to the point that I cared more about comfort than I did about appearance.

I know that there will come a time that I will want to look "normal" too. There are days that I get tired of talking about cancer especially with strangers who come up to me. If we think about it, almost everyone knows someone who is a breast cancer patient or survivor, whether it is a family member or a friend. They may even be fighting it themselves someday. My bald head is kind of an advertisement that I have cancer and for now I kind of feel an obligation to talk to people who come up to me, to answer their questions, and educate them on early detection, treatments, gene testing, reconstruction, etc., whatever seems appropriate for their situation. If I can help someone else decide to get a mammogram or help them deal with the disease, it will all be worth it. I will probably reach a point where I want to move on and be a "survivor" instead of a "patient." I am sure at that point I will be ready to take down the "sign" and pull out the wig and blend into the crowd again. It will be nice for people to talk to me about something other than cancer and how I am feeling. For now I will just keep doing what I am doing. I have been making some new scarves this week so that I have more variety. Instead of doing my hair differently each day I wear a different scarf each day. I definitely have my favorites but at least now I think I have one that will match almost any color of clothes I have.

Some other good news. My hair has started growing back. Or at least a few hundred strands of hair have started to grow. It is still VERY, VERY thin so it looks quite funny right now. You also have to get up close to even notice it. There is only enough to be irritating. When my port by my right collar bone gets sore it helps to rest my arm on my head to relax it a little. When I was totally bald that wasn't a problem because my head was smooth but not I get poked when I do that. It feels more like resting your hand on a Brillo pad or walking on that rough, green indoor/outdoor carpet. Not very relaxing.

Chemo #7 is this Thursday, May 22nd. It goes without saying that I am not excited to go. My friend Tammy is taking me. That is also the second to last day of school for my kids. The school is having an awards assembly for the 4th, 5th, and 6th graders. Tyler is supposed to be getting an award but unfortunately I won't be able to be there. Hopefully David or his mother will be able to go. Mariah's awards assembly is tomorrow morning so I will be able to go before I go to the hospital to get my blood work done. She is getting the "Citizen of the Year" award for her class. I am so proud of all three of my kids. They all work very hard and get good grades.